


Realization

by Elliekat



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Nonbinary Character, Supportive Caspar, Trans Character, no beta we die like Glenn, nonbinary linhardt, pre-transition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:47:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25414903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elliekat/pseuds/Elliekat
Summary: A change to Linhardt's daily routine leads him to notice something he had suspected but never quite considered before.
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez & Linhardt von Hevring
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	Realization

**Author's Note:**

> Lin is AMAB nonbinary in this fic. I'm nonbinary too but AFAB, so please let me know if you have any issues with my portrayal. I really just want to see more pre-transition portrayals in fandom so I'm being the change I want to see!

"I truly cannot fathom why the professor is doing this," Linhardt said, pushing the food on his plate around. "Did I miss him being hit on the head during battle?"

"Didn't he tell you himself?" Caspar said, shoveling potatoes into his mouth as if he would starve to death in the next five minutes without them. "He just wants you to be a little stronger, in case you have to fight back against someone with a weapon. You know, like self defense?" 

Linhardt sighed. "If I was simply allowed to remain at camp to treat the wounded, this wouldn't even be an issue. He is fully aware of my aversion to blood and violence, and yet he continues to force me onto the battlefield. I am far from the only practitioner of faith magic at this school, so I fail to see why it is necessary.” 

“Well, I’m excited!” Caspar grinned widely. “I’ve been trying to get you to train with me for years, and now even the professor agrees with me!” 

Linhardt let out an even longer sigh. All he wanted was to have his free time to himself. He was perfectly content in his current role as a healer and support member during their battles, even if he sometimes had to get uncomfortably close to his classmates while blood was flying everywhere. There was no reason for him to waste his precious energy on physical training. But for some reason, Byleth had deemed it necessary for him to begin a strength regimen, assigning Caspar to be his trainer. He had argued, pleaded, and even attempted to give their professor and Caspar the slip, but Byleth was having none of it. “It’s because you’re our best healer that I’m asking this of you, Linhardt,” he had said. “I promise I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it was necessary.” 

"It'll be fun, Lin! I promise." Caspar gave him a thumbs up. Linhardt highly doubted that, but it seemed like he didn't have a choice anymore.

\--

After a few weeks of somewhat forced training, Linhardt did begrudgingly admit that his stamina was increasing. While he was still nowhere near Caspar's level, now he could at least make it a full lap around the monastery before having to stop and catch his breath. And while Caspar’s constant, loud encouragement was rather embarrassing at times, he had to admit that he would likely have given up long ago without the support of his best friend. 

One day after their classes were over, Caspar had dragged him out to the fishing pond to do their daily cardiac exercise. The day had begun rather pleasantly, but at some point during their round of stretches Linhardt happened to glance up at the sky. A thick layer of dark clouds had blown in, encroaching quickly on the sun and bringing a distinctive feeling to the air that Linhardt suddenly noticed in that moment. “Caspar, perhaps we should move inside for the--”

Before he could even finish his sentence, the rain started falling. A few drops turned into a torrential downpour within seconds, soaking through their clothing as they made a break for the nearest shelter. The pair came to a stop under the awning of the mess hall, breathing heavily from the sudden exertion. 

“Ugh,” Linhardt sighed. “We should pay more attention to the weather next time. I should have noticed the storm’s arrival sooner.” When Caspar didn’t respond for a moment, Linhardt turned to look at his companion. 

Caspar was staring at him, eyes wide. A wave of self-consciousness crashed over Linhardt, and he reflexively crossed his arms in front of himself. “What are you doing, Caspar?” he asked. “Is there something wrong with me?”

Caspar jumped at the sound of his name, his eyes jerking upwards to meet Linhardt’s. “Sorry!” he exclaimed, putting his hands out it an apologetic gesture. “I hadn’t noticed before, but wow! This training is really paying off for you, huh!”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Linhardt grumbled. 

“Uhh, have you not seen yourself?” Caspar said. “Man, I never thought you were hiding such great muscles under those flowy shirts! It’s pretty awesome that a few weeks of training got you so buff already. I won’t let you get buffer than me, though!” He grinned widely, clapping Linhardt on the shoulder. 

A strange feeling had started to creep over Linhardt at Caspar’s words. His heart had suddenly begun to pound in his ears, blood rushing louder and louder as his gaze flickered downward to look at his body. 

Looking excessively at himself was not one of Linhardt’s habits. His appearance hardly mattered when it came to his studies or training, and he didn’t even have a mirror in his bedroom at the monastery. He preferred clothing that covered his body completely, and the only times he removed it were in the bathhouse and when changing in and out of his pajamas. It wasn’t as if he had some aversion to looking at his body, it just wasn’t necessary in his daily life. He wasn’t some vain nobleman like Lorenz or Sylvain. He was used to his general physical appearance, so what he saw in that moment left him shocked.

His white shirt had gone translucent with rainwater, clinging to his torso. His torso that was suddenly completely different from his mental image of himself. He had always been a bit soft around the edges from his sedentary routine, like many other nobles before him, and he hadn’t thought the increased training would have drastically changed him. But now he saw something completely different through his shirt. Muscles had risen up to show themselves, his soft chest and belly suddenly toned. Nowhere near what Caspar or Sylvain had, of course, but unmistakably visible. Somehow, he truly hadn’t noticed a change in himself over the past weeks, but now that Caspar had pointed it out the truth was undeniable.

Linhardt knew in the back of his mind that he should be pleased at the difference in his body. Many young men spent countless hours trying to gain or maintain such a physique, and now he was on the way there too. But drowning out that thought was a sudden wave of nausea that swept him. This wasn’t how he looked, it wasn’t  _ his _ body. It was if some kind of body-switching spell had been cast on him, and he had only just realized he was inhabiting someone else’s skin. That was the only explanation. But when he looked past Caspar’s grinning face into the window of the mess hall behind him, he saw his very own dark green hair and deep blue eyes looking back at him. The strange feeling was overwhelming, and he suddenly shivered, clutching himself with his arms tightly. “S-stop looking at me, please,” he stuttered. What was happening to him?

“Hey, are you alright?” Caspar said, his smile melting away into a worried expression. “Wanna go inside and dry off a bit? Seems like you’re getting kinda chilly.” 

He put his hand on Linhardt’s shoulder, sending a sudden wave of nervous energy through him. Linhardt jerked away from the touch, an impulse to run away growing in his chest. Somewhere no one could look at him. “I… I need a nap,” he said, his voice shaking slightly, and before Caspar could even open his mouth he was taking off in the direction of the dorms.

\--

“Has anyone seen Linhardt?” Byleth asked the next day in class, looking up from the roll. His eyes darted around for a few moments before landing on Caspar. “Caspar, did the two of you train yesterday? Was he feeling ill?” 

“Yeah, we were training yesterday. I haven’t seen him since, though,” Caspar replied. “He didn’t seem sick to me, but he was acting kind of weird. Maybe he was starting to come down with something?” He was fully aware that Linhardt was often late to class for many reasons, but something was definitely off this time. Caspar had looked for him for the rest of the day after their training session was cut short, but he hadn’t even come to dinner. This wasn’t in itself unusual, as Linhardt often got caught up in research and forgot the time, but Caspar not being able to find him in the library definitely was. The only other place he could be was his room, but either he wasn’t there or he was refusing to answer when Caspar had knocked that evening. Either way, it was beginning to worry him, and he was slightly distracted for the whole class. 

Caspar made a beeline to Linhardt’s room as soon as the lecture ended. He was Linhardt’s best friend, and it was his responsibility to get to the bottom of whatever was bothering him. While both of them were beginning to forge friendships amongst their other classmates, he was still the one who knew Linhardt the best. At least, he thought he did. He really had no idea what might be troubling him this time. He racked his brains, trying to think of the exact words he had said to him the day before, but couldn’t come up with anything. He had only complimented him on how fit he was getting, and that couldn’t possibly be upsetting to anyone, right?

Silence once again met him as he knocked loudly on Linhardt’s closed bedroom door. Caspar sighed. "Lin, I know you're in there," he called. Still no response. "I'm just gonna wait here and bother you until you answer, then! So today in class, Professor Byleth was saying…" 

He had gotten about a quarter of the way through Byleth's lecture on terrain types when he finally heard shuffling footsteps from behind the door. The doorknob turned and it opened slowly, just enough for Linhardt's eyes to look out at him.

"Why are you here?" he said, sounding absolutely exhausted. He looked the part, too. Caspar took in the slightly greasy hair and dark circles under his friend's eyes. He was wearing a large sleeping robe, the thick fabric covering his body completely as he clutched the front in a tight fist. Caspar could tell that this wasn't the typical tired Linhardt who had stayed up too late doing research. Something else was definitely going on. 

"Can't a guy be worried about his best friend when he hasn't seen him in a day?" Caspar said. "Um, don't get mad but you really don't look good. Are you sick? Do you want to go get some food or something?" 

"I don't suppose you'll leave me alone if I say no?" Linhardt said, sounding resigned. But he did open the door slightly more, which was a good sign.

"Nope! As your official best friend, I have to come help you out when you're feeling down. It's the rules," Caspar said with a smile. "Can I come in?" 

Linhardt opened the door wider, enough for Caspar to squeeze past him before he closed and locked it. Caspar sat down in Linhardt's desk chair, watching his friend shuffle across the room to sit heavily on his bed. A somewhat awkward silence came over them, neither really sure what to say.

Unsurprisingly, it was Caspar who finally spoke. "Hey, so, I'm sorry," he said. 

Linhardt looked up, confusion written all over his face. "For what?"

"Well, to be honesty, I'm not really sure?" Caspar said. "I just know that something I said made you really upset. I can't really figure out what it was, but I'm sorry anyways. I promise I won't do it again if you can tell me what happened." 

Linhardt's gaze fell back down to the floor, and he curled in on himself inside his voluminous robe. Caspar's heart broke a little seeing his best friend like this. The last time Linhardt had been this upset was after their first battle against real enemies, when he was suddenly faced with the reality of death and war. What could have happened to make him feel that way again? 

"Please don't worry yourself, Caspar," Linhardt said. “I assure you that none of this is your fault. It’s… a personal issue.”

Caspar was starting to feel a bit out of his depth, but he wasn’t about to up and abandon his friend. “Lin, I know I’m not always the best at this kinda stuff, but you’re my best friend no matter what!” He put on one of his trademark big smiles as Linhardt glanced up at him. “If something’s bothering you, just tell me and I’ll do whatever I can to help you take it out!”

A faint smile flickered over Linhardt’s lips. “I appreciate your enthusiasm, Caspar, although I’m not sure there is much you can do in this situation.” He sighed, his hands clenching and unclenching in the fabric of his robe. “Please try to refrain from… laughing at me for this.”

“Hey, give me a little credit here,” Caspar said, smiling at him again to try and put him at ease. “Even I know when to be serious.”

Linhardt took a few deep breaths before responding. “For some time now I have… suspected that I may not be like other men." He furrowed his brows slightly. "Forgive me, this may be somewhat difficult for me to explain out loud." 

"It can't be any more complicated than that fighting strategy you came up with last week," Caspar said. "I'll let you know if I don't get it, okay?"

Linhardt smiled briefly before continuing. "As you know, I have always pursued my own path in life. I simply follow my own interests, regardless of what small-minded people think is 'appropriate' for my gender. Of course I am aware that some of my qualities are considered more 'feminine', but I have never felt that I should have been born a woman. I have been content to live as a man who is simply different than the masculine stereotype." 

He let out yet another long sigh. "Or so I thought until we began this training regimen. The goddess has not given me many masculine qualities as I have grown up. I never desired a more muscled physique, but I attributed that to my unwillingness to expend my energy to attain it. But when I realized that this training had changed my body, that I was on the path to that kind of appearance… it was far more than that, Caspar. It made me feel physically ill to think of myself that way. My mind felt separated from my body, as if I was trapped inside of someone else's skin. I couldn't stand for anyone to look at me while I looked this way. That is why I couldn't bring myself to come to today's lecture."

Linhardt looked up to meet Caspar's eyes, a complicated expression playing across his features. "Forgive me for worrying you. You were merely the catalyst for this, but I would likely have noticed these changes eventually. Although I also do not think I can continue with our training. Apologies." 

Caspar got up from his chair, quickly crossing the small space in between them and sitting next to his friend. "Lin, you don't have to say sorry for anything. I don't really get all of that stuff, but you're still the same person no matter what. I was just really worried when you shut yourself in here without being absorbed in research or something! I just want you to get back to being your regular self.” He put a hand on Linhardt’s shoulder, hoping it would reassure him. “You’re my best, smartest friend and the best damn healer in this whole monastery. You use your magic to help all of us and I think that’s just as heroic as being a super strong warrior. All that stuff is way more important to me than whether you feel like a man or a woman, or what your body looks like. I promise!”

Linhardt smiled gently, loosening his grip on his robe a little. “Thank you, Caspar. Your kind words truly mean a great deal to me.” 

“So, um, does this mean you wanna wear the girl’s uniform… or something?” Caspar asked. “To be honest, I’m not really sure what all this means. But if I can do anything to help you out, just let me know, okay? I’m on it as your official best friend!” He cracked a wide smile, giving Linhardt a thumbs up. 

Linhardt looked thoughtful. “I am not sure yet what, if any, changes I would like to make in my life because of this. Perhaps I will still be content with the way I have been living my life until now. But it seems like some experimentation may be necessary. I wonder if there are any ideas to be gleaned from the historical records…” He trailed off, lost in thought in a way that was extremely familiar to Caspar. 

“Let’s get some food first before you start any experiments, okay?” Caspar said. “I’m starving, and I know you haven’t eaten since yesterday. I’ll go look for a looser uniform if you need it, but I’m not letting you go any longer without a meal!”

Linhardt smiled at him, finally looking slightly better. “Yes, let us do that.”


End file.
